Desperate times, indeed. The attack of the Coronavirus has upset the applecart of life around the world. Just one of the casualties was St. Patrick’s Day. (In adult Ralphie Parker voice) “No parades! No parties! No packed bars! No fun with friends!” And to top it off, Pennsylvania closed the state-owned liquor stores at the end of business on March 17th. The length of the closure remains to be seen.
The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board made the announcement on late afternoon Monday, 3/16, which caused a run on booze at the Fine Wine & Good Spirits stores, as they’re called in this fine commonwealth. I went to one the “premium outlets” that night and found the shelves almost empty, especially of name-brand gin, bourbon, vodka and other whiskies. I wondered why they weren’t restocking the shelves. Surely there was inventory left in the stockroom. But there was plenty of wine available. Surprisingly, though, not many customers. I was one of a half dozen patrons browsing. One guy did have a cart that he was filling. I didn’t really need to buy more of anything, but I thought, “What the hell? I’m here.” So I picked up a couple of bottles, and at checkout I asked the clerk, “Is the state going to take care of you guys during this situation?” And he said, “I don’t know, I’ve never worked for a large corporation before.” Sadly, he doesn’t realize he works for something far worse: the government. The State. A monolith of bureaucracy that couldn’t care less about the employee, because there will always be another individual who needs a job.
The perils of state-ownership of private business. The PLCB controls the sale and selection of wine and spirits in Pennsylvania. There is no way they will relinquish that kind of power because of the money generated for the state by the various taxes imposed on the sales. One of those taxes is the Johnstown Flood Tax. That tax was created to aid the city of Johnstown after the devastating flood of 1936, coincidentally on St. Patrick’s Day. 84 years later the tax remains. Johnstown had another flood in 1977, the third “devastating” flood in under 100 years, the first in 1889. If you’ve ever been to Johnstown you’d wonder if that city has ever seen a penny of 84 years worth of tax money.
18% tax per bottle. Have a drink on me, Johnstown!
I will, grudgingly, give PA some credit for dragging the liquor system into the 21st century, barely. They have loosened some rules. Beer sales, formerly only available in kegs, 24-pack or 30-pack cases at beer distributors or grossly overpriced 6-packs at bars and restaurants, are now available in grocery stores and convenience stores. Of course, those grocery and convenience stores must comply with some arcane rules for the privilege of those sales. Also, wine is now available at grocery stores and beer distributors. And distributors can sell 12-packs and singles of beer as well as alcoholic slushies.
So at least there will be beer.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, St. Patrick’s Day. So before the closing of the FWGS, I went to a smaller, non-premium store, one with not as much selection. There were quite a few more people there than the previous night, but the lines moved quickly. And I’m happy to report the sale items remained on sale. The Commonwealth could have easily gouged customers during these final hours, but it did not. At checkout I asked the clerk, “Is the state doing anything for you during the closing?” She replied, “I hope they pay us. I’m sure they’ll pay us.” Desperate times, indeed.
See you next time.
essential stooge 